Omg, I feel like I’m living on “The Real World.” >_<. Except there aren’t loud conversations about how one person would like the other better if they did their own laundry or cleaned the house or kept their clothes on . . . or camera people following me around and taping my in house phone conversations. So much drama . . . >_<.

I hold no one’s fate in my hands but my own. Being made to feel like I’m responsible for anymore than that is not only overwhelming but also terribly sad to me.

Anyhow, I’m going to go see the Lion King in two weeks. Granted it’ll be with a bunch of young children . . . and it’s not in my top five musical choices to go see . . . but it’s a free ticket. And I hear it’s a very nice production. So I’m going to go have fun. And I’ll get to see the kid’s faces when they see their first musical. ^.^. I love children, they take so much drama out of life sometimes.

::sigh:: I’m off to see if I can beat that damn Hi-Ho Tank in Chrono Cross now . . . How the hell do you beat it? I’ve fought it at least five times now. ;_;. I keep meaning to go online and find out but I never remember. (I do all my blogs offline most of the time). Hopefully I remember when I’m online next.

Sonata, piano

Omg, stop with the dramatics already! I can't take it anymore! >_<!

Anyways . . . today I went through all these old letters and stuff and reading nice things that people (who now aren't in my life) said to me a long time ago and even what I said to them at that time. It kind of hurt and kind of made me angry. I wanted to say mean things to them now and lash out now because I was angry. But I can't live in the past. And it isn't right to say mean things to them. So, I put all the letters away again and went on about my day.

I've been thinking about different things lately though. I've lost interest almost all together in some activities and have renewed interest in others. It makes me wonder where I'm headed, where my real talents are, etc. Honestly, I'm not too terribly thrilled with some aspects of my life . . . others aren't that bad . . . I don't know, it all makes my head hurt. I want to do spring cleaning in my life. Make it start resembling the life I want to be happy having. The ideal dream I've always had for myself.

Anywho, enough with the serious stuff. Total hilarity and chaos Thursday. LOL, it was too funny. Everything was supposed to be all somber and it was all hilarity (in the beginning that is). We are so organized . . . ::rolls eyes::

Person 1: We have no bread for Tenebrae.
Mr. Svendson: None? Isn't there some in the fridge?
Person 2: No, we don't have any.
Person 1: Someone volunteered to go to the store.
Mr. Svendson: Do we need grape juice while we're at it?
Person 2: (ignoring the witty sarcasm) No, just loaves of bread.
Person 3: We've got bread!
Mr. Svendson: We do?
Person 3: Yeah, hot dog buns.
Everyone: HOT DOG BUNS?!?
Mr. Svendson: I highly doubt that's the same thing as a loaf.
Person 3: (shrugging) They're bread. Frozen bread, but bread.
Mr. Svendson: (practically sweatdropping) Go buy the bread.

Singing the solo went better. Imagine that. Through my sore throat and all. My choir director/teacher said, "That's the best I've ever heard you sing." o.O! It kinda made me a bit sad. Why can't I do that when my throat isn't hurting?!? -_-;. I was semi-pleased with the way it went today. I didn't want to cry about it afterward (except I did during the candle extinguishing -- but that was really sad!). I think this experience has made me less nervous about singing in front of people.

And just imagine, if people think my untrained voice is "beautiful" and "simply wonderful" what're they going to think once I start voice lessons? I just hope I'm able to develop my voice. That's all I'd really like. And if people like it too, even better.

Well, Happy Easter to those of you who believe that; Happy Passover to others of you, and Happy Day to the rest of you.

Cantada, mezzo forte

Wow, yeah . . . sorry about such a long delay in updates. @_@. I've been so busy and so tired afterward that I just didn't write.

Monday I was volunteering and I wasn't supposed to work, but the aide left and I didn't really have a choice. Ah well . . . it's money, I suppose. Tuesday I babysat my second cousin. He's cute. And I was lucky 'cause he took a big ol' two hour nap in the middle of the day. Yesterday I did some laundry and slept in . . . then I went to choir practice where we spent half the time telling jokes with Mr. Svendson (who's last day is on Sunday).

LOL @ our conversation.

Him: "See you Sunday!"
Us: "No, you'll see us tomorrow."
Him: "That's right, you're singing! What's the anthem?"
Us: "No Rose Bloomed in Gethsemane."
Him: "Right! 'Hitomi's' singing!" (looks at me)

;_;. I was hoping they'd all forget. Oh well. I'll be happy if it goes better than it did on the 17th. And if it actually sounds good through this semi-sore throat of mine. ;_;! I'm nervous again! But not as nervous as last time.

Hmm . . . I think I start voice lessons next week. I'm kinda glad because I've never really had any vocal training before. It'll be nice to learn how to control my voice the way I want. And hopefully my teacher doesn't have a problem with "Phantom of the Opera" 'cause that's all my vocal music folder really is. ^.^;.

I'm off to get ready to go to work. We're having a big ol' pot luck. They're bringing in yummy Mexican food. *_*. I love it when they bring it in, 'cause it tastes authentic. So good . . .

Keep your fingers crossed for me tonight!

Elegy, forte

Saying goodbye to people is hella hard. ;_;. Especially when you're in the choir and you have to sing things for said people without crying the entire time. You just get to cry and hug them afterward. ;_;.

During the time when my whole life was falling apart, I really didn't have anything to hold onto. But when I was at that bottom point, Mr. Svendson was there welcoming me and giving me guidance. He taught me things I'd never known about before. I learned I shouldn't be scared but be thankful. I learned that I have wonderful people in my life that will help me forever and ever. I learned that I could be apart of a wonderful family that I found not only in the chourses but with the people who come to watch us every week. I learned to laugh at a time where I was only crying. I learned that faith wasn't a bad thing. I learned that there are so many little children looking up to me (and even calling me auntie). I learned how to live my life the way I really had always wanted to live it. I learned how to get back in touch with myself and finally be at peace. All thanks to him.

I'll miss him always smiling and taking time out of his schedule to come say hi to me. I'll miss hearing "I'll see you next (insert day when choir would be there)!" I'll miss hearing the line about "keeping her eyes on the sparrow." And yes, I'll miss his jokes, even if some of them were kinda bad. They always made you laugh.

I know he's got to move on, but there are an awful lot of people that are going to miss him. I wish him and his family nothing but the best! Hymn #543 will always be yours (even if we can't remember the number and think it's #343 instead ^.^;).

Other than that, there's not really anything going on. Trying to clean up around the house but I'm really exhausted so nothing's really getting done save for half the laundry and the dishes. ;_;.

Tomorrow's the movies with the preschoolers. I think my boys might even come too, it's before their school starts, after all. I wonder if they can count using the number 15 yet. ::sigh:: Why is 15 the hardest number to remember when you're that young?

I'm exhausted. And since I have to get up early tomorrow, I should get to bed. ;_;. I should've gone to bed during "Independence Day" but for some reason I just couldn't stop watching. I like that movie, what can I say? And then I just had to blog. ^.^;. But I'm going now. So, oyasuminasai.

Allegretto, fortissimo

I used to know someone who had a birthday today. Who knows what the hell she's doing now. ::shrugs:: Oh well. Here's to being best friends with someone and having them stab you in the back. :: raises an imaginary glass::

I'm so tired. Literally and non-literally. I want to go to sleep . . . but I'm also tired of . . . well, of crap. Everything's horrible right now. And it isn't even a full moon or anything! People are just unbelieveable right now. And it's taking every last ounce of will power and resolve and discipline I have to keep myself from saying anything I'd regret later on. Grr, there's so much I'd say if I could. But I'm not like that.

It's taking up all my energy. I guess that's what happens when you try to live like a "nice person" with morals and firm beliefs.

My goodness, I need a vacation. Either that or a Tropical Limbo Slip 'n Slide, right Jupi?

If I didn't believe in the golden rule it'd be a "bad lookout for many of the human race!" (I love quoting the "Phantom of the Opera" novel.)

Tomorrow's a busy day. There probably won't even be a meeting in it either. Then Monday it's off to the movies and work with the preschoolers, Tuesday I might babysit my second cousin, Wednesday I'm probably teaching and then choir practice, Thursday there's a pot luck and teaching at the preschool and me doing my solo again that night . . . where's my vacation? ;_;. I get Friday and Saturday. ;_;. Some vacation.

Oh well, I can make it. It's just an uphill battle right now. I'll get to the point where I'm coasting to the bottom, just takes time.

Tick . . . tick . . . tick . . .

Scherzo, allegro

Ass-kickin' Jupi took me out tonight. Even though I was feeling really tired, I think it was something I needed. She needed it too. We ended up talking about random things, laughing, being bitter together . . .

And by goodness, everyone needs a Tropical Limbo Slip 'n Slide! LOL @ her for buying one at the Wal*Mart @ closing time, proclaiming that everyone needs one. It's insanity like that which keeps me going.

And I had a boba milk tea. That says everything.

Anyhow, I had a lot of fun just going out, just 'cause . . . talking about things that were bothering me, buying a CD that I didn't really need but bought anyway just 'cause I wanna sing "Pie Jesu" some day, buying glow in the dark stars that I just plastered all over my room, and drinking boba milk tea. There's always room for boba milk tea, dammit.

I'm feeling a bit better . . . but I have to get up early tomorrow and go to some stupid thing my grandmother's dragging me to. She didn't even ask me to go, she just flat out told me I was going. How rude. I don't want to go. I was so tempted to tell her I had something to do, but I was too tired to lie to her. So I'll have to endure her, her stupid friends who talk about me behind my back and compare me to their own granddaughters, and family members who insist I go to Taiwan and teach people how to speak English or go to Costa Rica with them. Fun, fun, fun.

I should just tell them, "I'm sorry, but I have an appointment with my friend and her Tropical Limbo Slip 'n Slide, thank you very much."

Intermezzo, largo

::yawn:: Ohayo. ::stretches:: I feel a little better health wise than I did last night. I got a ton of sleep. I just wish the phone wouldn't ring every hour and wake me up in the mornings. And it's terrible because there's never anyone there. ;_;. Curse those hang ups!

I'm eating a sandwich right now . . . I'm kinda reluctant because I don't know if it was intended for someone else or not. Eh, I'll keep eating it and probably hear about it later.

Random person: Hey, that was my sandwich!

Me: -_-;!

Let's see. Some people want me to go into work today . . . I'm so tired though . . . and I'll probably end up taking the bus there. ;_;. I should walk but I don't feel like it. And all I need is to end up fainting or something on the street where there's no one around. o.O!

::sigh:: Sometimes I wish I was in musical theater. ;_;. But with my voice and my knee that would undoubtedly hurt me if I used it for theater too long, I'd never make it. ;_;. ::shrug:: Who knows maybe if I work really hard I can one day make my dream come true. But I won't be surprised if it never happens though.

It would be wonderful to see a Playbil that said:
And the role of Christine Daae will be played by "Hitomi Kanzaki"

I can always dream, can't I?

Allegro, mezzo forte

Getting the place back into shape slowly. I removed someone from the webcam portal. It's not 'cause I have anything against her . . . just some of the images she uses I'd rather not have people stumble upon on my site. So, sorry.

Hmm . . . what else to say? For some reason someone blared the death scene from Madame Butterfly today on a boombox/CD player. I felt I could really identify with Cho-cho san's frantic soprano. So tragic. ;_;.

Today was weird, really weird. I dunno, usually I don't break down in front of people. And usually being almost run over by skateboarders doesn't bother me. But for some reason things that have been happending the last few weeks just started overwhelming me and there I was, crying near the piano. I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm kinda embarrassed I cried like that. Makes me feel really weak.

I haven't heard from a few people in a while . . . I dunno if they just think my computer doesn't work still and don't check my pages anymore . . . or don't check their mail . . . or what. Email me, let me know I'm not just talking to myself, please?

I'm so tired. I'm trying my hardest to stay healthy enough so that I won't have to go to the doctor's and spend the day with an IV in my hand. But I feel so exhausted. And no one really understands that.

Adagio, mezzo piano

I revamped because . . . I felt like it. Omg, it's not anime/game related for once! I've loved the Phantom of the Opera ever since I was young. I'm really excited about going to see it in the theater (again), even if it's not until the middle of August. Gotten more into the whole music scene, especially since my little solo that no one really seemed to ask me about. 

Geez, I'm in one of those I need a big hug because I'm just gonna cry right now moods . . . No one even mentioned my solo, asked how it went, or in any way remembered I did it. I'm sad; that was a really big thing for me. ;_;! Oh well . . . what can you do, right?

Anyhow, putting my sad little story to the side, the new theme around here's changed to the colors from the Phantom: red and green for the roses, blue from the logo text, and white for the mask (of course!). The whole light blue and purple stuff was getting on my nerves. But why couldn't I find the cracked glass font I wanted? ;_;!

Let's see. Here's some lyrics to my favorite song ever 'cause well . . . for some reason today I thought about the words more than I really ever have before, especially the highlit parts:

Nighttime sharpens, heightens each sensation.
Darkness wakes and stirs imagination.
Silently the senses abandon their defenses,
Helpless to resist the notes I write,
For I compose the music of the night.
Slowly, gently night unfurls it's splendor.
Grasp it, sense it, tremulous and tender.
Hearing is believing, music is deceiving
Hard as lightening, soft as candlelight.
Dare you trust the music of the night.
Close your eyes for your eyes will only tell the truth,
And the truth isn't what you want to see.
In the dark it is easy to pretend,
That the truth is what it ought to be.
Softly, deftly, music shall caress you.
Hear it, feel it secretly posess you.
Open up your mind, let your fantasies unwind,
In this darkness which you know you cannot fight,
The darkness of the music of the night.
Close your eyes start a journey through a strange new world,
Leave all thoughts of the world you knew before,
Close your eyes and let music set you free!
Only then, can you belong to me.
Floating, falling, sweet intoxication.
Touch me, trust me, savor each sensation.
Let the dream begin, let your darker side give in,
To the power of the music that I write,
The power of the music of the night.
You alone can make my song take flight,
Help me make the music of the night.

{ Hitomi-sama sang an opera the evening of 03.19.02 }