This summer will definitely be one where I have to make a lot of decisions. I have to figure out how much money I'll have and what I can afford to do. ::sigh:: So much to think about. Do I want another job? Focus more on other stuff? Can I afford voice and piano lessons? Can I afford to pay for my brother's lessons too? What do I want to go see at the theater? Stuff like that. So many decisions!

In other news, I actually got the nerve to schedule a doctor's appointment for myself a while ago. I wasn't supposed to go for another two weeks. Yesterday the nurse called and said there was an opening for this morning. Without taking the time to think about it and start to put it off again, I blurted out that I'd take it. So I went today. New doctor, nerve racking experience. But she was really nice and stuff. I hate having blood drawn though, it always hurts. >_<. And my blood pressure was like two points above normal, but it was because I was nervous. So I must be in pretty good shape if it's just two points because of anxiety. ^.^! I'm just hoping my cholesterol and stuff is normal. ::crosses her fingers::

All I can say now is this: Zoloft is my best friend.

The end. Goodnight.

Cantada, mezzo forte

It's been a while. ::sigh:: I've been tired and stuff. Been reading (and now I'm done ::cries::), sleeping, and I actually just finished two stories that bring my Second Vision of Escaflowne (almost) to an end. I say that because I simply have to write one more and the series will be complete. Finally.

Right now I'm suffering from a second degree sun burn on my neck, arms, and hands. I was lucky enough to not be burned on my face. But that's what you get going to a concert and sitting in the sun for seven hours, regardless of having spf 45 sunblock. I hurt so much. I'm thinking of living in a dark windowless closet for a year.

I had to sing my solo last Sunday, the day after I got the horrid sun burn. Thank goodness I could stand to wear proper clothes (not a tank top) long enough to sing it. The collar was so high on the outfit that you couldn't tell I was red at all.

Hmm, lately I've been helping the Trib Force with their pages. Gave them some graphics and a layout idea and they went from there. They're just amazing! I don't know why they didn't just have Cameron do all of it in the first place, he's the computer tech guy after all. ^.^;. But I'm glad they asked me to help. Plus, Cameron admits that he's not an artistic guy and couldn't photoshop to save his life. I check on them often and every day they have more and more pages. I don't know when they're going to actually upload the pages . . . but when they do I'll let everyone know. I can tell you the pages look wonderful and they've even got javascript things. Java always confuses me. @_@!

Well, I'm tired. See you all later. Ja ne.

Lullaby, piano

I'm even more tired than I already have been. For some reason there's still stress. I have no clue what I'm going to do about it. It's seriously driving me crazy. I don't even get a good night's sleep anymore. I look so exhausted. And I feel like it too. Feel like I've been beaten or am recovering from a wild run, fugitive style, doing anything to get away. My knee is really hurting me and I'm seriously considering the possibility that it might rain soon, though the weather men might disagree.

I haven't been doing much aside from reading, cleaning, volunteering, and sleeping. Today I started work on another little page called "Trials and Tribulation Forces." No, it's not anime or music related. ::shrugs:: So hopefully it'll be done soon . . . At any rate, I'm enjoying making the graphics for it. Always have liked sitting in front of the computer for hours on end plugging away with my Photoshop. No, I'm not being sarcastic. I mean that.

Oh no! I feel like I broke a finger! ;_;!!! That's what I get for cracking my knuckles!!! It's got a weird bump in it. ;_;!!! Maybe it's just . . . I don't know . . . something that'll go away by tomorrow . . .

I'm so tired . . . my eyes hurt. I want to sleep for days and days. But I can't. I have to get up early tomorrow and I want to stay up late tonight and role play chat. ::sigh:: Who knows? See you all later.

Kyrie, piano

I don't understand . . . I look so unbelievably worn out. I feel like all the energy was sucked out of my body. I barely have enough energy to move. My eyes hurt but I think that's due to taking my glasses off too early today and the fact that I slept late . . . which always gives me a headache/eye ache. I washed my hair but instead of it looking shiny, it's dull and not bouncy. There are some circles under my eyes too. I don't know if they're puffy or not 'cause I didn't stay long at the mirror in the bathroom to look.

I look horrible. Am I getting sick? Or is it because I went out yesterday when my body was hurting? I went out to a sport's bar to watch a basketball game with 'kachan. I don't like sports but she had no one else to go with. And plus I told her I would. But it was so loud. I think my whole body was unconsciously tense because of all the noise. I hate noise and never have been able to stand much. Maybe that's why I feel and look so horrible.

I could barely even clean up the house today. I didn't want to clean. Didn't want to read the books I recently bought and were so psyched over. I couldn't even carry on a conversation over the phone. What's wrong with me? ;_;.

Well, we'll see when I wake up tomorrow. I'll either feel better and deem this the result of being surrounded by noise for hours on end. Or I'll feel the same or worse and know I'm getting sick. I don't need to be sick. I have a solo to sing.

Anyhow, ja ne for now. I'm going to sleep.

Sonata, piano

Never posted the update below. So yeah, go ahead and read it. ::yawn:: I'm awake, honestly I am. Hrmm . . . it's a pretty nice day. Today I'm supposed to go to the bank and get money with 'kachan. Then we'll probably get lunch. And I'm debating whether or not to go shopping too. Because I still have the urge to buy something. And that isn't good. >_<!

Yesterday 'kachan and I got together and watched the end of a basketball game. I don't really watch sports so I was more into reading "Apollyon" than anything else. I mean, watched them shoot and stuff but I honestly didn't know what was going on. And the book was so good (well, what I've read of it 'cause I'm almost done)!!! But it's all sad too so I wanted to cry!

After the game we went to the bookstore and I got a new book for my new line of studies!!! ^.^!!! "Are We Living in the End Times?" It seems good and I'm really eager to read the theories inside it. And since it's written by my two new favorite authors, it's all good! I only wish there were degrees in Apocalyptic studies. ;_;! But there's comparitive and individual religion studies so that's good enough.

Let me see . . . wow, it's still early . . . and I'm hungry!!! And no one's here!!! That means I can blast the music and spend as much time online as I want! But I'm hungry . . . so I'll probably disconnect and then get some breakfast before getting dressed and calling 'kachan. But I want to finish "Apollyon"!!! I stayed up really late last night/this morning because I couldn't put the book down!

Anyhow, see you all later. Ja ne!!!

Dies Irae, forte

The day started off well enough, what happened? I was even happy and everything. Of course there was going to be something that came along to crush all that. ;_;.

I wasn't even working today but I took the class since the teacher was straightening up her room because the school delivered new furnature for her. We were outside and there was this weird car that just sat there and sat there forever. There was a woman inside and she was acting kind of shifty. The aide and a parent were totally voicing their concerns to me. So I went in and called security. The security guard came and took care of it and I was like all o.O!!! I didn't know if the lady was a crazy psychopath with a gun or not. And since the parent said something, I technically had to do something or I could've lost my job (even though I wasn't technically on duty). Suddenly my site boss comes out and is like, "The woman is just livid! She is so angry she wouldn't even talk to me." And I'm standing there apologizing and crying and telling her that I had to because what if she shot at us and I had 22 preschoolers, an aide, myself, and a pregnant parent volunteer outside in the line of fire? My boss was like, "You did the right thing. It's okay. Don't worry about it." But I was still sad. After I took the class back and the teacher took over, I practically ran into a bathroom stall and cried my eyes out.

I know I did the right thing . . . but it makes me really sad and embarrassed that my boss had to take all the heat for it. And that woman was out of line. What if it was her child on the playground and some weirdo was in a car doing who knows what just a few feet away? She'd want something done about it. So, I know nothing's going to happen to me or my boss . . . I just feel real bad my boss has to deal with that . . . but what could I have done? ;_;!

Let's see . . . Unemployment and safety? Or people possibly angry with me and people possibly hurt or dead? Which one would you pick? But still! ;_;!!!

In less depressing news, my class that I was looking after/volunteering in was having a good time today. We went to the movies to see Monsters, Inc. Then we played outside and ate popcycles. But in between that was the above chaos. ;_;!!!

I'm tired. I can barely move. All my energy left my body when I cried in the bathroom stall.

Cantada, mezzo forte

Grr!!! Roleplaying anger!!! I went into this room last night and little did I know that it was some V:TM room. I didn't even know what that meant until someone explained it after one of the hosts of the room decided to assert his power over my character. I still don't understand it all but it makes me angry. My character touched the hair of another character and the host decreed telepathically that I was never to touch that character again. So I'm talking to someone covertly, trying to understand what a V:TM is, and she tells me that now, I can't ever touch that character again . . . so long as I'm in V:TM rooms, or near the host person. I'm like: o.O? Isn't that having a little too much power? Moder!!!! And I didn't even know the room was different from a regular room. I think people should label their rooms better or at least explain them so people will understand. I have a good mind to ignore that telepathic suggestion just because I didn't know and tell the host (if I ever see the host again) I didn't know and he should've told me. I don't want to see the host again anyway, he was a punk. One of those shifty guys that'll take you in front of his friends and beat the crap out of you for entertainment and then deny he did it.

::takes a deep breath:: For those of you who don't know, V:TM is Vampire: The Masquerade. But I think it should be called View: The Moders. Grrr!!! I feel so bad for my character too! Right now I'm RPing as a guy (I switch my characters depending on what I'm writing about in my stories or what I think will be more interesting). The poor guy kept running into these guys who thought they were the best thing since sliced bread. He was just being friendly but apparently, the egotistical freaks had different ideas. Well, we'll see what happens.

Right now I'm debating whether or not to go to work and volunteer. I'm definitely going tomorrow, but I'm not sure if I should go today. I'm still a little tired (especially since I had a dream but I can't remember what it was . . . I hate that). And the house is a mess again. I'll probably stay and clean it so that no one complains about it.

Oh, I forgot to mention . . . I have to sing my solo yet again. ;_;. In a few weeks. Wish me luck or something.

Anyhow, I'm off for now. See you all later! Ja ne!

Kyrie, forte

The other day I had the scariest dream. And when I woke up, I couldn't get back to sleep. ;_;! It was one of those "I want my mommy!" situations. Man, was it scary!!!

My dream:

My family was there and we started smelling this funky stuff. Kinda like a stagnant water but mixed with the smell of moisture just before it rains. And it was really creepy because it had been a sunny day and then . . . poof! It was hazy and overcast and even foggy! But the fog was more of a light green or something. We were driving home in our car and I was like, "We have to get out of here! Something bad is going to happen next!" I apparently knew what was going to happen! Prophecy! So I ran into my house and started getting out all the large bags I had. I was stuffing books and clothes and everything I could fit into them. I was really scared and I was shaking. I knew we had to leave and that it was a matter of life or death! When I took the bags into the living room I was about to yell at my family that we needed to load the cars and get as far away as we possibly could. (But that was stupid of me, because I knew before hand that whatever was going to happen would be global. And how do you escape global devistation?) Before I could tell my family that, I looked out the door. There were big yellow brown clouds in the sky. And suddenly, big balls of fire shot through them and fell to the earth! There were millions of them. My family came to the door and watched too. I just remember feeling this horrible feeling inside me. Like my survival instinct kicked in but there was no possible way we could survive all that . . . because the fire was happening all over the world. And I was really scared.

And then I woke up. I've never had a dream like that. It scared me to death. Even when I think back on it . . . It's so scary! Maybe I've just been reading too much . . . Yeah, that's it.

Anyhow . . . enough with the end of the world talk for now. ^.^;;;. I skipped choir tonight because I was feeling tired. I've been feeling really run down lately and it's nice to take some time off to catch up and destress. It's rather nice.

Well, I'll have goodies to put up soon on the site. So look for them! I'm off for now!

Unnamed symphony, adagio

I've been a long time between blogs. I'm sorry. Lately I just really haven't felt like it. I still don't but . . . at the moment there isn't much else to do. It's still early! Why did I have to get up at such a terrible hour and clean the house? ;_;.

The last few days have been pretty interesting. People around here getting all crazy and me telling them how I feel about it. I'm not a super being, I can't do and be responsible for everything! But somehow I'm supposed to do all this stuff. I don't understand why they can't do it too? They live here too. It's not hard to clean up after yourself. But no, since my paperwork is over for the moment, I have to be the head of the household. x_x.

Why is it cold today? Yesterday it was hot. @_@. Anyhow, I'm just sitting around, debating whether or not to go to the old Mac we have and play some old games because there's nothing better to do. ::shrugs:: It's either that or read more.

Reading is wonderful!!! Read all you people! Read lots of things! Well, except for things like smut . . . But like those commercials say, read! It's weird. I haven't read in a long time because I've been so busy. And when I bought "Soul Harvest" for $3 at a book sale, I just can't stop reading!

Maybe I'll go play some computer games and then try to finish "Nicolae." Ja ne, minna.

Adagio, mezzo forte

Paperwork is almost done, thank goodness. My head hurts though. I haven't been sleeping good . . . and yesterday was just a terrible day. I spent most of it not doing anything . . . then I went to the store and bought a whole bunch of stuff. And I ate it with 'kachan. >_<. So much for all that eating sensible. Today's a new day though . . . but anyway.

To Dilly Pickle: I finally got my stuff. Thank you so much! ^.^

And to all others who contacted me yesterday who I don't normally hear from . . . thank you.

I'm really stressed . . . I'm going to ignore the stupid book "The Turn of the Screw" and instead try to finish off "Tribulation Force." See you.

Dies Irae, fortissimo

Alright . . . ::big sigh:: I do not smile when kicked in the teeth and told that the action was perfectly acceptable. So don't expect it. I owe nothing to no one and I have the right to do whatever I choose, regardless of anything. I'm tired of being made out to be the demon in the whole scope of things. Don't coat that halo above your head with too much paint, you self made saints, it just might drip on you and mess up your beautiful pure white robes.

I'm tired of excusing everyone of their past transgressions, only to have them hurt me more. I'm tired of feeling sorry for everyone. I'm tired of being weak and saying, "Well that's okay. It was my fault" even when it wasn't. I'm tired of settling. I'm tired of making excuses for everyone I know. I'm tired of telling myself it's okay to be treated like this, forgotten and stepped on.

I've given up all that. It's who I was, not who I am. I'm not crying anyone a river anymore and I won't be guilted into doing so.

I'm exhausted now. I'm going to go curl up with a quilt and read "Soul Harvest" for a while until I fall asleep.