::laughs lightly:: Plastic spoons cannot be used as weapons or in place of sharp objects no matter how hard you try . . . They do leave red marks on your wrist that disappear after about five minutes. But that's the extent of the damage.

Right now my life is kinda at a stand still. It's not decaying as rapidly as it has during the past couple of weeks . . . I guess I should be thankful for that . . .

Someone emailed me the other day about my depression. It was a really nice email, and I won't deny the fact that I really needed something like that. They said not to email them back, so I'd like to say what I was going to say to them here, instead.

"To B.R.:
I thank you whole heartedly for your email. It was really nice to see an uplifting message for me in my inbox at a time when I'm feeling so down I can barely see straight. I wish my depression was stemmed from the tragedy that happened on the 11th, but that just isn't so. I am having many problems in my life right now that I can't discuss at the moment. I'm greatful for your concern and well wishes. Tomorrow will come. And I'll take it one painful step at a time. When I see that I'm not alone, it makes things a little easier to handle . . . not much . . . but enough so that I don't completely lose all hope . . . My inbox is always open. Don't hesitate to email me again (that goes for anyone who visits the site, mind you!).
From: Hitomi~sama, the Hime of Insanity"

I've been starting to reply to my emails again. Forcing myself as part of my "you must do something you can't just sit around for the rest of your life like this" therapy. I figure maybe if I start doing little things I just may start to feel like I'm alive again . . . or at the very least it'll keep me distracted for more than five seconds.

So go ahead and email me if you'd like. I'll respond. It might take a little bit, but I'll respond (hopefully within the same month in which you email me). If you sent me mail a while ago and haven't received a reply, sit tight, I'll respond soon.

Anyway, updated my webcam pic. But it's funny, 'cause now that I've finished blogging, I don't feel like that pic is very fitting anymore. I'm actually feeling a little better.

I feel like I'm going to throw up . . . been like that all day . . .

Who knows when I'll feel better . . . maybe if my life stops falling apart around me . . . maybe then I'll actually start to feel better again.

Damn, all I wanted was happiness . . . just like Suu from Clover . . . but she didn't get to share in that happiness . . . and neither do I.

Going to go stare randomly at the wall . . . or play video games in which I either get to kill everything in sight or inflict pain on the main character by having them jump off bridges and the like . . .

I'm going out later. We'll see how that goes . . .

Ever feel like you've had a major organ in your body ripped out through your chest with a blunt object and then force-fed back to you?

If so, you understand my pain.

What happened? Yesterday there were like 5 visitors! ::piku:: That's an all time low . . . What happened? o.O! People must've been out doing things rather than glancing at my page . . .

Well, if you missed the morning update . . . look below . . . it's just about the biggest blog I've ever done. ^.^;!

I dunno what possessed me to update again . . . there's really not much to say. ^.^ ::piku::

Random advice: Don't let the man-eating knee-high weeds bite your ankles. Brought to you by the people who sympathize with those stuck with yard worktoday . . .

I'm tired. I cleaned the entire housetoday . . . even though my legs are still killing me . . . I hope I can actually move tomorrow. I have so much junk to do . . . ::sigh::

Get to play pianotomorrow. Yea! Why is it that Beethoven is so much easier to play than Mozart? I want to play Mozart but . . . o.O!!! It's difficult! I can do it . . . I just don't have time to plunk through his notes for weeks on end getting it right . . . So I'll just keep studying Beethoven for now.

Wednesday I'm hopefully going to the mall with Enkou. Shoot, that means I have to haul ass to the bank and get money. ::piku:: Why is it that finances are so screwed up this month? ;_;! Maybe it's 'cause I have more days off and less days of work . . . ::cries::

Money verses rest. Hmm . . . seeing as how I'm stressed right now, I think I'll take rest over money at the moment. If I work too much when I'm stressed, I'll get sick. And if I get sick, that won't be good. I won't make any money then . . . And I might make Enkou sick too. I don't want him to get sick. He's got too many things to do to be sick.

Anywho . . . have a good evening my little tumbleweeds. 'til next update! Jaa~!

What a crazy day it was yesterday! ::falls over:: Itai, my legs still hurt me! ::cries and composes herself:: Alright, alright . . . let me start at the beginning . . .

In the beginning there was nothing . . . Wait . . . that's too far in the beginning . . . gomen . . . fast forwarding to yesterday . . .

For some reason, we all had this issue about not eating . . . In the beginning it was Enkou who had to go lay down due to dizziness. He hadn't eaten breakfast. Neither had I . . . but I hadn't felt any of the nasty side effects of that yet . . . So Nova, Enkou, and myself headed out to Taco Bell where we ate a nice lunch.

We went back to Nova's house 'til it was time to go to the concert. Then we headed out and stood in line hoping for tickets . . . which we got . . . at a higher price . . . ::piku:: -_-;;;. I'm now almost completely broke. But it was well worth it because of what happened . . .

Once we got inside, we worked our way up to the front of the theater. We were right by the speakers . . . ::is temporarily deaf:: It was loud. Especially since the bands had all their equpiment turned up. The reverb was horrible . . . I could feel my heart jumping every time they beat the drums. Eventually Enkou started to feel sick to his stomach because of it . . .

Meanwhile we're both burning . . . me because the skin on my face is still pretty new . . . I coated myself with sunscreen . . . but the fact that I couldn't shade myself and I was wearing dark colors didn't help . . . And Enkou since he's "got the complexion of Elmer's Glue." I say that lovingly, calm down y'all. Since I don't do well with the sun, I was soon feeling like I was going to pass out. Enkou wasn't feeling so great either.

We kept working our way up to the front of the stage. Enkou really wanted to see the Supertones up close. And even though we all felt like we needed to sit down and eat or drink something, we stayed because we were in a really good spot.

::piku:: I thought my legs were going to fall off. I had to grab onto Enkou a few times 'cause I actually almost did fall over. I almost felt like I was going to die or pass out . . . but someone else beat me to it . . .

The Supertones made it up. Enkou was really happy he was so close. Around the second song, people started getting all crazy. A crowd surfer almost kicked me in the head . . . in fact, I do remember being hit in the back of the head, but I think it was by someone's elbow . . . The crowd started rushing us and totally pushing us out of the way. Rude girls!

Someone bumped into Nova and, due to a previous injury, his shoulder popped out. But, if you know Enkou or Nova, these things are normal and easily fixed. He was in a lot of pain and before we knew it, he was fainting. I tried to catch him but . . . Hitomi-sama = no upper armstrength . . . ::piku:: -_-;;;;. Enkou caught him and saved him from being trampled or kicked in the head . . . The hero! Then he and a bunch of random nice guys picked Nova up and rushed him out of the concert and backstage to where we could help him.

Since his diabetes were acting up, I gave Nova my Snickers bar (I don't know why I was carrying it in my purse . . . I don't eat candy much). Then the EMS guy came . . . They helped Nova but his sugars were still high so they decided to call 911 and take him to the hospital.

While we were waiting for the ambulance, I saw the lead singer of the Supertones walking backstage . . . and he was walking towards us. I motioned for Enkou to look and his face just lit up. It was so cool to see. ^.^! The Supertones guy came over and talked to Nova (and gave him his water bottle). He was really cool and told him he'd see to it that he got into the next Supertones concert for free. Nova was so happy. Enkou was happy 'cause he got to talk with the lead singer for a bit. And I was happy for both of them.

Nova's okay now . . . he really wasn't in as bad shape that he need to go to the hospital and stay there. We all followed the ambulance and stayed there 'til he was released an hour and a half later. And he was fine. Both Nova and Enkou can't believe they actually talked to the lead singer of the Supertones. They're so excited.

What a day though . . . ::sighs:: I was scared, I was happy, I was worried, I felt like I was going to fall over . . . It's funny, Nova was worried about Enkou and I when he was in the ER. ::laughs:: He told us, "I was asking everyone if you guys had eaten anything. You were both really white . . ." We hadn't eaten anything since lunch, but after we were sure Nova was stable in the ER, we went to get dinner.

So remember my little tumbleweeds . . . if you're going to a concert, remember to carry some food with you . . . and water . . .

And yes, the song of the update is by a Christian band. And yes, we did go to the Christian concertyesterday. And yes, Christian music isn't really all that bad.

::sighs:: I'm back, minna-sama . . . Even more tired that I was before. But I'm here . . . waiting for Enkou to jump on AIM so we can talk. He hasn't been on his AIM for a week or so . . . ::cries:: I miss talking to him on AIM . . . At least I still get to talk to him on the phone . . .

I was watching freakin' Fox News earlier and I fell asleep . . . I was out like a light for at least a good hour . . . and prior to that hour, I got someone to promise they'd bring me food before the night was over. I think I fell asleep so I wouldn't have to think about being hungry.

I watched that TLC special on terrorism and I sobbed at the end. It was so sad . . . and so touching . . . I'm a wreck when it comes to that sort of thing. Still tryin' to deal with it all . . . scary thing. Fox News and CNN and such are so my friends right now . . .

I'm bored right now . . . and organizing an RPG or two right now . . . I have no idea why . . . I must be bored.

Where's Enkou? ::cries:: I miss talkin' to him . . . damn, I sure hope he can hop on AIM soon . . .

Gonna go to sleep soon . . . Tomorrow may hold no update . . . might be goodness knows where . . . I'll fill you in when I update on Monday. ::yawns:: Must . . . stay . . . awake . . . Must . . . talk . . . with . . . Enkou . . . ::silence followed by Hitomi inspecting the insides of her eyelids::

Zzz . . . Zzz . . . zzZ . . . zzZ . . .

So I didn't exactly cater today . . . I'm still tired. Anyhow . . . I ended up watching the boss' two-and-a-half year old daughter. She's the cutest thing ever. We had a lot of fun . . . though I got really sick of watching "Sleeping Beauty." The dragon kept scaring her and she was sad when it died . . . I don't know why she insisted on watching it over and over . . .

::sighs:: This just sucks . . . ::all the bishonen run and hide due to the fact that Hitomi looks irritated to the point where she's about ready to blow out all the windows of the house with her telekinetic powers::

Okay, since this week is going badly for everyone . . . I'd just like to take a moment to insist that everyone stops right where they are. There. Have you stopped? Good. Now take five deep breaths. Inhale, exhale . . . Have you done it? Good. Now clear your mind and focus on one thing you love very much. Got it? Take three more breaths. Close your eyes for ten seconds. Now do you feel a little better? Good!

Everyone just needs to chill out! We're all frustrated, we're all tired, we're all trying to get through this . . . but it won't do anyone any good to go through it all aggitated and stressed and stuff . . . Do yourself and your loved ones a favor and take a moment to relax. Otherwise everyone'll take everything out on everyone and we'll all be irritated together.

Now . . . I'm off to find food . . . 'cause since I'm not going anywhere, I seem to have no way of eating dinner . . . Damn, why don't people keep their cell phones on when they say they're taking them along with them?!? I want food dammit!

Another update later. Ja matta minna-sama.

Enkou's so sweet. I called him today when I was bummed and he took time to see that I cheered up. ::hugs:: Thanks, Enkou. I know you had to go get ready to go play your bari-sax . . . Thanks for cheering me up. I really needed it. ::hugs again::

I asked Enkou about the concert we're hopefully going to go to on Sunday and he surprised me with the fact that we're going to attend another one tomorrow night. o.O! Really? Wow! That's cool. I was thinking all day trying to come up with plans for tomorrow . . . after work that is.

I have to worktomorrow . . . ;_; . . . And it's going to be hard work too. 'cause my boss is picking me up in her car. Usually when the boss wants you to go with her that means you have to help her unload the car, set up, clean up, and load it up to go home. That's in addition to serving. So I've got a long shift tomorrow. ::sighs:: At least I'll be working with Enkou's sister . . . and we have fun together.

Well . . . currently waiting to see what's going to happen with the concert Sunday . . . trying to get rides and all sorts of information together so we can go . . . but . . . ::sobs:: I'll be virtually broke after I buy the tickets. ;_;! It's okay, Enkou really wants to go to this concert . . . so I don't mind being broke if it means he'll get to go see it . . .

::sighs:: We'll see what happens. Update again soon! Ja matta!

Hi minna-sama! I had a pretty nice day . . . well . . . until I found out that I had to do about 4 more extra hours of work whether I liked it or not. ;_;.  That sucked. But I got through it . . . And I'm alright. The rest of the day was pretty good so . . . I didn't really mind doing the work. If it had been a crappy day I would've cried . . .

Waiting for Enkou to get home so I can call him on the phone. I wonder where he is . . . maybe he's with his grandparents . . . I'm sure he'll be home soon . . . then I can talk to him. ::sighs:: He's going to be busy playing his bari-saxtomorrow so . . . I don't think I'll get to see him 'til Saturday . . . if not . . . Sunday. It sucks when everyone's schedule is so busy . . .

I'll see Enkou soon. ::smiles::

::the bishonen take this time to express their concern for their pyromaniacal leader who hasn't been this cheery in a while by making a huge sign that says, "o.O?!?"::

I'm thankful for such a nice day.

See you next update.

I feel much better today . . . Got everything settled yesterday. And was scolded for not eating again. I'm eating now. If I don't eat, Enkou gets very mad and makes it his personal duty to make double sure I consume food.

Anyhow . . . been watching some old cartoons for the past couple of hours. I have no clue why . . . but they're funny as all hell. I couldn't believe some of corny plots . . . or some of the names.

Random character: Don't forget me. My name's Tweeker.

o.O? Tweeker? Um . . . that isn't the best name to have . . .

Worked a lot on Envision while I spent most of the day hiding out from the piles of work I had. ^.^;. Oh well. I deserve a break once in a while. The revamp's almost done too. Hurrah!

Other than that, it's been a really slow, lazy day. See you next update!

No colors, I'm not in the mood.

Well . . . not really in the best of moods right now . . . Things are really shitty at the moment, so please don't ask . . . I'm sure everything will be okay. Just need time to be able to fix everything . . . Things were going so well too . . . damn . . .

Just please excuse me if I'm a depressed basketcase right now. Arigato for your patience.

Anyhow, I'm depressed right now, I won't hide it. And I'm hurting inside. So to get my mind off it there's some good news . . .

I'm finally working on Second Vision. In fact, I've almost finished two whole episodes and need to finish two more. Right now it's mostly just adding a few things to three of them and writing one whole episode. For some reason the words are flowing really nicely today. It's weird. And when I'm writing, I don't feel the pain in my heart. The episodes should hopefully be up soon. And they'll finally conclude the Second Vision story that's been going on for almost two years now.

I'm almost hungry but I don't want to eat. Maybe I'll starve today. And I won't even care.

Yesterday I visited the Escaflowne Fortress message board. I left a message . . . some of which I'd like to use for my update today.

"I didn't know any of the victims (as far as I'm aware of). But still . . . I feel what's happening just the same . . . We are all victims of this. Not just those who had their lives taken away from them, nor those who gave their lives trying to save others, nor those innocents who's lives were taken during rescue efforts, nor Americans. The human race is a victim right now too. Just because you may not live in the United States does not mean you aren't a victim of this as well. We are all humans. Even if we may speak a different language . . . or worship a different god . . . or wear different clothes . . . The fact is that this unspeakable act was done against the human race because someone decided to let hate consume their heart.

It's very scary to see something like that happen on television and know that it's really honestly happening . . . and there's nothing you can do. And you don't know if where you live is the next target. The people of Fanelia watching the Zaibach burn down their kingdom must have felt the same way we felt (and still feel) . . . It's indescribeable . . . I don't know exactly how to tell you all how I feel . . . how we who live here feel . . . We're all stunned to say the very least.

I'm sure you've heard exactly what occured where, so I really don't have to explain it all.(Though if there's someone who hasn't, just ask and I'll be happy to tell you what I know.) It's such a tragedy.

Please keep America in your prayers.

May the hearts of the world be filled with peace, understanding, and light."

This was the first time I've ever tried to put my thoughts together since Tuesday. It's been really hard to deal with all the feelings I've had. There's been just this huge sort of depression looming over me. And it's not just me, it's many people here.

If by some chance you're reading this and feel the same way, just remember, you aren't alone in this. It's okay to feel this way. It's part of grieving.

If you need someone to talk to about this, feel free to email me at: Hitomi_sama@hotmail.com. Whether you want information as to what's going on in the United States, info on how you can help, or if you just want someone to listen to your feelings and extend a sympathetic hand. I'm here for you all.

What a tragic, tragic day for all the people here in the states. It's been chaos since the crack of dawn. We've been glued to our television sets all day. It's amazing how helpless you feel as you watch this all unfold before your very eyes.

At the end of the day what do we have? Four planes crashed after being hijacked by terrorists . . . Three buildings of the World Trade Center have collapsed . . . A section of the Pentagon is gone . . . a field in Pennsylvania has a hole in it . . . And countless lives lost . . . or injured . . .

What a terrible, terrible day for us.

Out of respect for all involved many websites have been temporarily shut down or have been respectfully revamped. All SPJA websites (including the Anime Expo message board) have been "blacked out." Anipike offers it's condolences as well as the number for the Red Cross. Fanfiction.net is closed for the moment. All very fitting to do . . .

My heart and prayers go out to everyone involved in this horrible tragedy. Whether they be a victim, a family member, a friend, or an American witnessing the event on television. We all feel the pain.

Please keep America and it's people in your prayers.