THERMODYNAMICS 101: AN INTRODUCTION TO PYROLOGY
Field Test Number One


(Note to the reader, don't try this at home, okay? This is just for
entertainment purposes only. No actual Pokémon trading cards were
harmed in the writing of this satire.)


Hitomi: "Here we are again. Gomen that we couldn't go straight to the
experiment last session. I sort of . . . burnt . . . all my notes . . .
while on my insane fire trip . . ." (pauses until the embarrassed blush
fades from her cheeks) "So here we are again!"

Gatti: (turning to Miguel and whispering) "I suggest you find a way to
occupy Shesta."

Viole: (eavesdropping) "Shesta? What's Hitomi-sama's lesson have to do
with Shesta?"

Miguel: "I'd distract him with some of my mangas but, I don't think he
could handle that kind of art . . ."

Viole: "Can I bonk him on the head with my mallet?!?" (jumping up and
down like an impatient three year old) "Can I? Can I?"

Gatti: "Must we ALWAYS resort to violence, Viole?"

Dallet: "Not always but then, what fun is that? A mallet on the head
never hurt anyone . . . permanently . . . at least, in the anime
world."

Guimel: "I'm a ventriloquist."

Everyone: "You ARE?"

Guimel: (blushing) "Well, not REALLY. But I do a decent impression of
Jajuka."

Gatti: "Good! That's just what we need! You pretend you're Jajuka and
call Shesta out to . . . I dunno . . . cook our dinner or something."

Viole: (ignoring the fact that it's a plan and not a reality because
he's sulking due to Gatti refusing to entertain his idea of the mallet)
"Aw, don't have him cook. Yuck! C'mon! That's gross. I'd rather eat
take out. I'd rather eat a pound of mud than eat Shesta's cooking. He's
awful."

Dallet: (agreeing) "Did you taste those cookies he made? Bleh! They
were so burnt they wouldn't even pass as biodegradable material."

Gatti: (sighing) "You think Jajuka's ever going to let Shesta set foot
in the kitchen again? I don't think so." (patting Guimel on the
shoulder) "It's up to you now."

Guimel: (throwing his voice and sounding remarkably like Jajuka)
"Shesta! Shesta! Could you come here please! I need some help!"

Shesta: (screaming back) "Nani? My help? With what?"

Guimel: "With the dinner!"

Shesta: "Nani?" (pauses and has an odd look on his face as he mumbles
to himself) "I thought I was permanently banned from the kitchen."
(starts yelling again) "Is this some kind of joke?"

Guimel: "I'm serious Shesta, just come in here!"

Shesta: (confused) "Okay . . . if you say so . . ."

::Everyone waits until Shesta leaves the room::

Hitomi: "Now . . . for our first ever field test in pyrology. We need
to start out with a question. Boys, please read the question."

Gatti: (taking the paper from the rest of the bickering Slayers) "I'll
do this. I ALWAYS read things for our leader." (clears his throat) "The
question is: are Pokémon cards highly flammable?"

Hitomi: "Arigato. So, what are we going to need for this experiment?"

Viole: (looking at all the goodies on the table like a kid in a candy
store) "We've got some goggles to wear so nothing happens to our eyes,
hair scrunchies for those of us who have long hair that could catch
fire . . ." (trails off as he realizes that he and Dallet are the only
ones with long hair) "And . . . a pair of . . . what is this? A little
thing-a-ma-bobber that holds stuff while you burn it so you don't have
to hold it yourself . . . and look . . . Here's a deck of brand new
Pokémon trading cards . . . look at them all. They look so cute and
innocent and so . . ."

Hitomi: "READY TO BURN IN A HUGE BALL OF FIERY FLAME!!!"

Gatti: (hands her the trusty Click 'n Torch) "Hitomi-sama, gomen but I
don't think your Click 'n Torch will produce a huge ball of flames."

::Hitomi is silent as Dallet ties her apron for her, Miguel makes sure
her goggles fit her comfortably, Viole chooses an Abra trading card,
and Guimel puts the card on the thing-a-ma-bobber that holds burning
things::

Hitomi: "We'll just have to fix that, won't we?" (chuckles insanely)
"Okay boys, lets make a hypothesis. Do you think this thing's gonna
burst into flames?"

All: "HAI!!! YOU BET!!!"

Viole: (muttering under his breath) "If it doesn't I'm sure you'll find
a way to make it."

Hitomi: "Ready? Let's go!"

::Hitomi clicks the trigger on the Click 'n Torch and sets it next to
the corner of the card. There's silence but a cry of triumph erupts
from the group as it catches fire and burns until there's nothing left
but a small pile of ashes::

Hitomi: (still cheering) "Hypothesis proved to be true!" (takes another
card and puts it on the thing-a-ma-bobber) "Let's try it one more time,
just to make sure that wasn't a fluke." (sets the card on fire) "WOO
HOO!!! It worked again! MOREO!!! MOREO!!!"

Gatti: "Uh, oh. Something tells me we just lost Hitomi-sama again."

::Shesta walks into the room::

Shesta: "Jajuka wasn't calling me. That's very funny you guys. Who was
it?" (looks at a chuckling Guimel) "You're so very talented PAL."
(pauses and looks at the charred mess and the stack of extra Pokémon
cards) "What's going on here?"

Hitomi: "Now lets see how long it'll take them to burn using MY TRUSTY
MECH!!!" (dashes off to the Alseides)

::Shesta puts two and two together, subsequently coming up with four
but that's beside the point, and runs after Hitomi::

Shesta: "Hitomi-sama! I beg you! Have mercy on the Pokémon cards! What
have they ever done to you? Onegai! Spare the cards! Spare them!
Hitomi-sama!!!"

::Hitomi climbs into the Alseides, ignores Shesta's pleas, and burns
the entire stack of cards (and almost singeing the table too) with her
Guymelef's fire thrower::

Gatti: (grabbing his head) "I think I'm going to need some Advil.
Shesh. Looks like that ends yet another lesson in pyrology. See you
next time when . . . hopefully Hitomi-sama won't decide to set
something on fire."



(c) 2000 Hitomi-sama